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Rob Zombie should really stick to making music. Sure the guy has an obvious affection toward 70s horror films, but he just doesn’t know what makes good movies work – even the ones he likes. Given the source material for Halloween, this was Zombie’s chance to show that he deserves his schlock moniker – and he fails miserably. John Carpenter’s original version of Halloween was absolutely terrifying when it was released in 1978 and it’s held up very well over the years. It also spawned several lackluster sequels and was largely responsible for the 80s slasher movie craze. None of these films were anywhere near as scary as Carpenter’s, mostly because lesser filmmakers thought it was easier to go for gore over suspense. Zombie obviously doesn’t realize that this a major reason why the original is a classic and the others are mostly forgettable.

But upping the ante of gore and violence is not Zombie’s biggest mistake. The fact that he focuses much of the movie on boogeyman killer Michael Myers’ childhood is. Knowing why Michael is a cold blooded killer (apparently a trailer trash home is no place to raise a child) doesn’t make him scarier – in fact it detracts from the fear. In the original version this unstoppable madman was terrifying because he was a mystery – can insanity make someone this relentless, strong, calculating and unkillable, or is he truly the embodiment of pure evil as his psychiatrist believes? If anyone is scary in this movie it’s not Michael Myers, but Rob Zombie. It almost seems that Zombie wants us to empathize with Michael – not hard to believe considering this is the same guy who made his gang of murderers and rapists the heroes of The Devil’s Rejects.

Half this movie is wasted on Michael’s backstory before we meet the character we should be rooting for. Zombie seems to have no idea what Laurie Strode’s (Scout Taylor-Compton) role should be in this film. The only way a Halloween remake could have worked would have been focusing more on this character, revealing more about her fears. This would have made Michael an even bigger threat in her eyes. In the original Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie was uptight and sexually repressed, but here she’s just another interchangeable teen. Zombie also makes the mistake of using one of the sequels’ silliest plot devices – making Laurie the killer’s sister. The fact that Michael can track sis down despite her growing up with an adoptive family and a changed name is ridiculous and insulting to the audience’s intelligence. Sure, it’s a horror movie, but you should still only be able to stray too far from logic.

In fairness, the last 20 minutes or so are fairly tense, but nowhere near as much as they could have been if the audience had some kind of emotional investment in the characters – particularly the “final girl” Laurie. And at least Zombie did one thing right by casting Malcolm McDowell as Michael’s psychiatrist Dr. Loomis. McDowell is equally as kooky as Donald Pleasance was in the original role. He’s also given more backstory, but in this case it’s welcome as he’s at least an interesting character.

Perhaps it’s unfair to compare Zombie’s “vision” with Carpenter’s. But it’s hard to forget about the original when you’re looking at the same mask and listening to the same theme music. Maybe instead of trying to bring back the Halloween franchise, Zombie should have just tried to revive the slasher genre in general. If he changed the characters’ names, got rid of the mask and used some White Zombie music, he probably could have got away with making this an “original” film. Perhaps he could have called it “Labor Day” – then the release date would have made sense too.